like that

Hello again.

The past few weeks have been absolutely horrid. There's been so much work to do. I've been up till about 1 each night. It's really my fault since I still spend some time in the afternoon lazing around. But I need the break I suppose. I don't see how term two can be worse than term one. At least my physics IAs are done (there's still design prac though). Although people say that term two will be worse, I don't think so. And I really really hope not.

I find it hard to be friends with my juniors, especially those whom I have to discipline. It sucks trying to be nice to them as a friend then telling them off as a senior. And because of my personality I can be really mean when I tell them off. Then they dislike me. I don't know why I try so hard. I don't know why I love some of them so much. I have so many things to do and I still take time to try to talk to them and they just seem uninterested and annoyed. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I should just give up but I won't let me.

I've begun to wonder if I'll ever find someone who will love me despite my flaws. Many girls I've asked won't date a guy shorter than them. Many claim that looks and physique don't matter and all they want is a good personality and a genuine and sincere heart and whatever but that's all garbage. I'm not saying that I have those qualities but I try. Or maybe I just suck too much at it.

I don't know what's going on. Everyone in class seems so distant. The primers seem so distant as well. People who used to be close(r) now are far away. I detect contempt. I don't get it.

I'm so far away from God as well. These things are getting to me and I'm feeling angry and I'm straying. I don't know what God is doing. I don't know why He made me like that.

I'm tired of everything.

-Jont